Why does it never fail that upon Sunday I usually have the rottenest attitude? The morning started out grey, who knew this was metaphorically true to the progression of my day? As I awoke to the echoing emotions of a forgotten dream, I began Sunday morning thinking it was Monday. Overwhelmed with clarity of the correct day and happiness was my delicious morning delight as I hopped out of bed cheerfully. And then all my troubles began. It wasn’t anything big…just a quick procession of little problems. These often times are almost more despicably slimy in nature than big problems. The coffee burns, you cut your finger, you lost your keys… most of the time you don’t even realize these little problems are present until your mental rubber band snaps and you have a conniption. Today started off like that. It was the stupid dirty laundry which started everything. I was late for church. I wanted to drop a load of clothes at the mat. Where was my money? Hark! I had only a $1. I needed at least two. So I searched everywhere for one more dollar. Can you believe that not a quarter could be found in my house? Finally! I found a dollar! I was so happy and not too late yet…in my joy I accidentally ripped the extra dollar in two.
After weighing the pros and cons of going up to Wal-Mart, taking back my shoes, getting change or waiting until tomorrow, doing all that plus going to bank, I climbed into my truck in apathetic resignation making the executive decision to do everything tomorrow.
I suppose this laundry fiasco poisoned the rest of the day. I couldn’t pay attention in church. My sister was sick so I had to go alone. I spilled yogurt on my favorite sweater. The house is a perpetual mess and nobody seems to realize I exist anymore. I definitely do not feel joy or peace right now in my life. Blame it on the seasonally grey weather or the end of weekend blues or just the general aimlessness of a young postgrad’s life… whatever the case may be, I must admit something is rotten in the state of me.
My new challenge in my Christian walk is to believe in God’s divine plan for my life; to be joyful, to be peaceful…even when I am not FEELING joyful or peaceful. Good grief, it’s hard. It’s days like today where you have such an intensive need for that undefined cathartic experience. So I expel the overflow of emotional thoughts, I clean the house like a frenzied demon women, I DO something productive, I stimulate my brain, I go out for a walk—I do all the things which usually soothes my stress and makes me feel like a competent, worthy citizen of earth. Most days it doesn’t work. I live in a constant state of anxiety…I can only compare it to the anxious feeling you get in a silent house waiting for a very important, very nerve-racking phone call… waiting, waiting, your nerves on edge ready to explode with alarm as soon as any noise breaks the thick, restless silence.
You probably think I have some kind of panic disorder. Goodness maybe I do…
I read a verse in the Bible today:
“Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment.” 1 Tim 6:17
There are so many verses in the Bible about how God has already given us everything we need to be happy. Why is it so hard to strip away the physical requirements that we think brings us joy (such as a clean house or a well worded blog post or a new book to read) and rely totally and fully the joy of the Lord? I don’t know why today is gray. I don’t know why it is so hard to stay in God’s joy. I do know this: I am growing closer and closer to God each day. Tomorrow the sun shall surely be shining (metaphorically or clearly). Learning to be joyful is different than feeling joyful. And though ideally we would like them to be one in the same, some days just feel gray.
I meant for this post to be short and concise. But it seems that too has wandered off the intended path.
6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. 7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 9 Your reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9
