A Rambling Upon a Tuesday; the Sequel

It’s been a long couple of days. Not only have I been sick, but I have also suffered from writer’s block… which in my opinion is far worse than an ailing constitution. I always have lots to say, but not always lots to share. Sometimes my huge little words recede into the safe, caverns of my quiet mind. Other days, I don the persona of the temperamental artist, an up turned nose and a persnickety spirit which refuses to share my perfect and beautiful thoughts with the unappreciative of the public. But I suppose anyone who takes the time to read what has been written here would definitely appreciate something of what I say or indeed—why would they read it?

I suppose the real marrow of the matter is that my old foe is nipping at my heals again. Impatience! Over the past few months, I have really learned how chronic my condition is. I am impatient about everything… how I clean, how I dream, how I plan, how I demand,  how I play Nintendo (I don’t even stop to get those extra coins behind the hidden wall). Even right now, my mind isn’t 100% focused on what I am writing. My leg is bouncing, my ears are distracted by the t.v., my thoughts keep running away and climbing up vines and swinging around like monkeys…

Sigh.

Some people have far worse problems, I know. And they might think it is silly that a person struggles with patience, relaxing, and waiting… but any type A-ish (I am not a total type A, don’t get me wrong. I have some type B days as well) would understand. It’s this intrinsic, deep rooted drive inside of you to always be moving, always be doing, always be planning and pushing yourself to the edge. It’s a challenge. I am almost grateful I got sick. That is the only way I usually can relax without some twinge of guilt for not “doing” something.

I had been doing very well up until recently. I was slowing down, I was relaxing…I was getting settled in a happy, orderly routine— but then BABOOM! I am darting everywhere out of control again. Goodbye routine hello chaotic randomness! Why is it so hard to be patient about things? It’s like I am a broken record squeaking out the same cacophonous tune over and over and over again… If I have learned anything recently, it is that I alone cannot fix my problems. Oh, how I try though! I try to mold, shape, plan, work out, and set up my life in exact precision, every detail observed and accounted for—but alas, the best laid plans…

Is it any wonder that I find such a shock when I let go of all my planning and allow God to work in my life—and only then does anything ever seem to work out! When I cast aside the crutch of my useless excessive reasoning, and throw all my powers into believing that which is unseen and intangible, do I usually ever see fruitful results. But do you know how hard it is for a practical, logically minded, (emotionally swayed), intense planner to do that? You might as well slap a fish and tell it to stop breathing water…while it is in the water! Impossible! Inconceivable! Sigh.

But it is funny, when I actually find those little moments where I successful let go of it all and put my trust in God, such peace washes over me. I suppose it is that peace as described in Philippians 4:7, the “peace that passes understanding.”

I have been getting discombobulated lately because in a short amount of time  my sister will graduate and it will be time to move on. Move on to what? The thought gives me chills! To go home to Michigan? A rude, grouchy state with weak churches, painful memories, and little to no strong Christian gentlemen who appreciate a romantically old-fashion, quirky heart like mine? Say it isn’t so!

But then, ah I forget! How big are my problems? Shouldn’t I rather be saying; how big is my God? Isn’t it possible for him to step in at just the right moment and make just the right things happen? Of course it is! How many countless times has he done that before? In the end when it comes time to move on who knows what will have happened over this upcoming year? Who knows how differently I will feel? Who knows who I will meet? Who knows? God knows. And as hard as it for a type A-ish planner to relinquish all this control and wait patiently, I know it will be far better in the end. How silly, when everything works out, will I feel looking back on this time and all the energy I wasted worrying and fretting? Wouldn’t it just have been better to not worry, and trust God? Oh ye of little faith! God holds everything in his hands. Trust in him.

"The effect of righteousness will be peace,
and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever." Isaiah 32:17 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7