For some time now, there has been somethings which I imagined would be a very good blessings in my life. These blessings I have wanted so badly, it has rather consumed much of my thought life. It has been in the heart of all my prayers, it has been the catalyst to many bursts of hope caught within my chest, many smiles, many laughs, many dreams, and many noble aspirations. But such trouble began soon after I tried to fit these desires into my life, such a violent clash of star-crossed misfortunes and just plain old bad luck that it seemed fate itself was against me. Suddenly one day it dawn on me: I was working so hard to try and preserve what I believed (or passionately hoped) God was giving me, fighting against every dart of Satan’s, but it occurred to me, could it be possible I was I wrestling with God himself? Was I meeting such painful resistance because I was clashing not with Satan, but with the will of God? So I reorganized my prayer life, and imagining that my Father was telling me no, I began to see if any sort of peace entered my chaotic life.
And it did....sadly without the hope of what I dearly wanted.
I felt crushed, broken, and bitterly disappointed—I was angry at life for taunting me with such pretty hopes and then ripping them away. I felt like someone was trying to make me cynical. I felt hopeless. I felt I was resigning myself to doom if I totally gave up my pursuit. But what really hurt was the sting of regret, the bitter burn of the “what if’s,” and the dull, numb, sickening feeling when the delicate, lovely shadows of hope drifted carelessly upon my memory. It was all so exhausting! God had told me no...or not now. And for the first time in my life, I was going to try and accept this with faith that he knew better than me as to why. I remember in the Bible when Abraham and Sarah prayed so desperately for a son and finally when God answered their prayers he asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved treasure.How could it be done!
As humans we are so short sighted. We cannot see where God is taking us or what plans he has for our lives. But we must be encouraged that he DOES have a plan. God can make miracles happen and do the unimaginable. Time usually heals such wounds as I am facing. In retrospect, it may all make sense. Who knows what God’s point had been in saying no? I like to think he was protecting me, shielding me from falling into a deeper hurt, experiencing a greater heartache—for if things had been different, if they had gone on for a longer, more intimate time, and then broken apart—oh! What a wretched, scaring hurt that would have been! I don’t know how it could have been borne! But maybe, in his loving mercy God saved me from that. Maybe I was just blind and unable to see the truth about matters. Maybe, God isn’t telling me no, maybe, he is just telling me to wait and be patient. Abraham and Sarah tried to force and rush God’s plan by having a son through Hagar. See the disaster it caused? They did not wait and remember that God had something different planned for them, something even more precious.
So how can we know what God’s plan is? I think when peace comes into our lives, when we stop pushing against the force, when we pray and become very still—if we are searching for his will with all our hearts, that is when we find it. And our faith will be called into question when we are told no. How greatly do we trust God? A little child doesn’t understand why her parents won’t let her have certain things. She cries and sobs and falls on her face in a tantrum. But her parents don't say no because they don't love, but rather their love is SO great that they know what is best! Even if she doesn't. God knows what is best for us. He loved us so greatly that he sent his son to die for us. How deep he loves his children! He wants such beautiful things for our lives, but we must remember to not try and push it to happen before we are ready. It is here where trust comes in. We must surrender our wills to God. And remember surrender is not always a bad thing. It doesn’t mean giving up or becoming a failure. It means giving up what we think we want, and trusting in God’s perfect plan of what we need.
God has told me no today. It hurts like crazy. But I also have hope. Hope in tomorrow, hope in the better things to come, hope that God may have saved me from deeper pain. I also have vast thanksgiving. What wonderful things I have learned so far! What amazing thoughts and ideas have entered my mind because of it! How much I have grown! How many opportunities to use my talents! I might understand it one day, I may not. I just know that God will never leave me, he will never forget me—the powerful Creator who calls the stars by name and knows the number of sands upon the shore—he watches over us faithfully. He knows where we are going. All we have to do is hold on to his hand with a heart full of love, faith, and thanksgiving.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
