I am dithering between two emotions today. Crumbling, crippling, wretched depression and hope so bright and shinning that I feel like bursting with raptures.
Have I gone quite batty? How can you feel two such paradoxical feelings? On the one hand, I feel tempted to indulge in the possibility of a tragedy arising in my life, the endless weeping, the dark and bitter nights, the torment of suffering which marks deep scars of misery upon the very soul…and yet, burning more strongly within my present consciousness is a solid, quiet, steady beam of light. I feel quite nearly ready to explode with it. For I know her name: her name is Hope. And she is so vivaciously alive and dancing around in my being that to entertain such ghastly visitors which may or may not bring my foreboding doom, seems a rather silly and useless business.
Goodness from what fountain does this spirit spring? I know it is sure to leave me once I drag myself to work, effusing all forms of resistance to my chains of hospitality employment…
Oh the vicissitudes of this semester! Oh what a tempestuous ride! The ups being so much higher than I feel is safe soar—the lows dragging me to dark places unvisited within me for years. But, I feel it all has been more than worth it. In states of sadness I have grown closer to God and learned how to trust in him. And even further, after so many months of doubt, I feel stronger than ever that God is working in my life. How many prayers he has swiftly answered so immediate! It shakes my inner being and stirs that longing within my soul which yearns to be home with God.
I feel so blessed. Even in my trials, I have nothing of which to complain. These trials are challenging who I am. They are remaking me into a stronger person. I am learning so much. And in such patience and perseverance something has arisen within me which I never, on my own, managed to find: Hope! Hope! Hope! God has been telling us this all along. Why do we never listen?
Something deep, deep inside of me is telling me not to worry about my current circumstances or my future. I am inclined to have faith in God’s plans, not my own. Beautiful things are to come, whether it be tomorrow or twenty years from now. God can make the impossible, possible! He can bring to life dreams which once were thought dead. The key is having the courage to believe that God can make it all happen for you. Let us be still inside and listen to where he is guiding us. And in such trust and steadiness will we discover hope; soft, beautiful, faithful hope. And, my friends, hope from God never, ever disappoints! It is a happiness like no other!“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6
“I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
