Sometimes I think I am insane. One moment I will be calm, hopeful, and steady in my trust toward God. I would feel like my head was clear inside and that everything within and without made sense and was in that neat little orderly arrangement as I so often long things to be. Then, hours, or maybe even moments later I would be catapulted into a tailspin. I would be flung so far from this state of mind that the cooling effects of peace would be totally foreign to me. My problems would become bigger than me. I would drown in worry, in an agitated frenzy over the chaotic tornado of emotions inside of me. “Nothing is going to work out” I would hear my head say. “Its too impossible to believe.” “How could I have ever felt peace before?”
Not only was I suffering from the overheating symptoms of fear, worry, doubt, and excessive reasoning, I also began to think I was slightly unstable. How was it I had such comfort before, but now such peace was totally eradicated from my mind?
Friday mornings I usually get up very early for work. I’ve come to enjoy it, after a cup of coffee or two, because the world around is dark, sleepy, and ever so quiet. It gives me time to meditate upon God, read his word, and think about things without distraction. It’s in this soft and soundless world where the drumming and pounding of my own loud thoughts are forced to be still. My agitations are recognized and I am revealed before myself. I see myself worrying about going to work, being too tired, dealing with coworkers, dealing with the tedium, the chaos, I see myself worrying about stupid things like Facebook, whether or not I should buy a coffee, if I should eat breakfast, into which account I should cash my paycheck, I see myself worrying about my relationships, my friends, people in my life who send me into frustrated fits, those insensitive, aggravating people—all of these thoughts fill my mind and I realize, in the lull before the sunrise, that it is these things which separate me from peace. And when I fully accomplish separating myself from trying to figure out these problems, only then do I find that steadiness of faith which I had before. It’s never that I was insane, no not at all! And when my soul become still and quiet within me, and I hear the words of God, the comfort of his presence and voice, soundness of logic usually follows. It’s this time, ironically, when I am not in the midst of excessive reasoning, the trying desperately to know the “who,” “what,” where,” “when,” of a problem, when it seems the answer to the problem will float upon my mind as easily as a gentle dove.
You see when we try to know what is going on in our lives, when we try to figure things out ourselves we are trying to skip over the step of trusting in God. If we have everything figured so there are no unpleasant surprises in life, then whatever is the point of having faith into our loving God?
Lately, I have been praying this prayer: that God will open my eyes to the truth of matters; he will help me see what he is seeing, not what I am seeing. If my eyes are truly open then I will see the folly of my worry, I will rise over the storm and not drown within it. I shall be guided rightly down a straight path. Oh, for these quiet mornings with God! What would I do without them?
This has to be one of my top five favorite Bible verses. If God had chosen to write a custom "Jennie" scripture, I think this would be it:
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
May God bless you with peace and joy! <3
