End of Semester Hope

My world has changed so drastically as I have graduated. The silly little world of college, the clicks, the dramas,  the things that seemed so important and so stressful before, now feels like an old dream—whose blade of weary and hectic hours are quite on the brink of being forgotten. I feel as though my friends are still under the spell which to some curse the days they spend in the classroom. I see many of my friends with heaviness upon their faces, I recall suddenly those last few weeks of school, the frustration, the social isolation, the inability to function in normal capacities—I remember it well when I think on it. But after crossing the bar, I see clearly now as I couldn’t before. What seemed like endlessness, always ends. When I thought I couldn’t do it, I did it. When all seemed hopeless, I eventually found hope. That choking desperation, when duties and demands sweep you away in the tempest, you are always saved. Because in the end, the tests were always passed, the papers always finished, the presentations overs, the projects completed— the semester always end. And you dive freely into the blessed months of summer, some object striking to your memory that, before ,you knew would be on a test. But! you will recall with fierce joy that, no, you do not need to remember what the Mallard Reaction means nor will you fail at life if all the baking functions of sugar, flour, eggs, fat, and salt fail to stay in your mind. What joy!

If I could do it all over again, I wish I would not have given so much time to worry. I would have had more confidence in myself. Because I always passed the test and even if I didn’t, it would not have been the end of the world like I so imagined. I wish I would have given more time to nurture friendships, especially those at Freed. I was delighted to know some of the loveliest people in the world at that place. In the blink of an eye, they were all gone. I was gone. You never know when you might lose a friend from your life forever. Take every opportunity! I fear, in retrospect, that I see the value of a grade is nowhere near the treasure of deep and spiritual friendships. 

But I shall not make the mistake again by limiting my views to my present and thinking sadly upon the past. There is freedom in life, accessible at all times. It just depends upon how we look at things and what we value most.

My teacher once said that if you take care the big things—God, family, relationships, spiritual matters, love—the little things—school, chores, work, social events, grocery shopping—will always fall into place. I believe that with all my heart. And as this semester draws to a close and I am left feeling ten years older than when I started it, I look hopefully toward a quiet and healing summer. Always remembering to keep in focus that God isn’t going to leave me anywhere too long, or keep my heart sad longer than it needs. 

I pray I will soon fully learn this lesson. For this semester has given me things to learn which far outweigh math tests. It has been a life test…a hard one at that. But this test, I shall not worry over. We all have life tests we must endure, but if we keep God close to us, if we take care of what is most important in this life, I believe with all my heart we shall pass with flying colors!

Evanescence

Quietness tries to rest herself within my soul tonight. But sometimes quietness only brings to mind all the great thoughts which one often tries to hid from. I am, indeed, content. With only the love of God to boast in as the savoir of my sanity, I can say in all truth that I find peace more often than ever before in my life.

But today, two phone calls derailed the peaceful balance of my mind and threw into disorder all my thoughts. I feel quite overwhelmed at times, thinking of him. Feeling as though, my entire life, has been a half life. A great frustration trying to sort out a mess that was doomed to never be solved...I am torn between wishing he’d go away forever and feeling such pain over his lost state.  A wicked tempter still whispers in my ear that it is all my fault. It is all my fault that he changed the way he did. That it is my fault because I didn’t love enough; it is my fault because I cannot bare any part of him now.

But I shall be better soon. I know I am not to blame for such things. So many miles away, I feel safe from him. And it is easy to forget what one cannot see. Can a man ever truly love a woman? Can a father ever truly love a daughter? Ah, but enough dark, sad thoughts. I shall be better soon. It shall pass…

God in heaven is my Father. And He is all I need...

The Boy I Met Today

I met a boy today. I have seen him everywhere on campus, almost everyday, but never really have known him. Today, for reasons I am not sure of, he came to talk to my sister and me. As the three of us stood out on campus, in the sweet peace of a gentle evening, we talked. He was sweet, shy, and, in my romantic fascinations to make up whimsical stories about people I know hardly anything about, I perceived that he was lonely. Quiet and lonely. I usually have a good sense for people and after he had left, I watched him for a while as he meandered about the campus looking at trees and seeming, in all respects, quite lost.

Before going and talking to a friend I joyfully spotted on the lawn, I wondered about this boy. Who was he? Did he have people who love him? Why did he seem sad? Did we bring him any joy? Instantly, my heart surged and wished very much I could help him. Sometimes I am at a loss how to help others. I sit and ponder sometimes ways I might touch someone’s life, even if just briefly, and show them a glimpse of Christian light, a starry reflection of Christ’s love…that is what we as Christian’s are supposed to do. Why don’t we do it more often then?

I am surrounded by people who personify hurt. They are lost. They are hurting, hardened people of the world. They hunger and search desperately for the hope that I own as a Christian. Why can’t this joy and hope we have be spread to all the people in all the world? Why must so many hurt? Why must so many be lonely? Why can’t we help them all? I feel, some days, that is all I wish to do with my life.I do declare, I wish God would hurry up and send me a man who wants to help the world as much as I do! I secretly feel as though I am missing my teammate in my special dreams.  It rather breaks my heart when I see sadness. I wished to give that boy a hug if it would have help. Indeed, I would wish to give anyone a hug if it might make them feel the warmth of a Christian’s love!

I know I will see that boy again. Hopefully, he won’t look quite so forlorn next time. However, if he does I will give him one of my best smiles and send a little prayer heavenly. God works in mysterious ways and you never know how one little act of kindness might touch the life of another in such unimaginable ways!

The Song of The Victorious Spirit

What an amazingly blessed day! I cannot sit still a moment two together for I feel every part of me wants to sing joyously. I feel deliriously happy! Such peace! What is so beautiful about it all is that I know it is all from God! It is finally Friday and I am released from the week’s responsibilities. What a week indeed! I filed my own taxes for the first time, struggled through bills, long nights at work, and a mountain of other things. Yet, I cannot stop there! For there were such blessings nestled sweetly within the sliver lining of those clouds. I have had such encouragement from people at work. I’ve even had a bit too much fun. Some friends  have been such a blessing to me lately,  always makes me laugh and feel good about myself.  I finally stopped procrastinating about some things that were worrying me and did them all! With such success! Especially our air conditioner which is now fully working and not a moment too soon in this southern climate!

Isn’t it amazing how life can turn sunny when you stop relying on yourself and your plans and turn fully to God? I will thank him for the beautiful rain, and I will praise him for the sunny days! I hope everyone who reads this has an equally blessed weekend!

<3

I Shall Praise You in the Storm

Lost upon the residual moments of a very long day, my intrepid prowess to organize my inner health in a manner which might bring me a peaceful, cooling relaxation before slumber, fails me.  Weary, I climb into bed, wondering if my feet will ever get use to my job.  But for all the aches of these past couple of months, I feel a new perspective dawning on me in quiet, rosy splendor. I feel the ability to praise God in the midst of the storm. Because suddenly, I can see the beauty of it.

Life and all its swift successions of busy nothings cannot compare to the empty moments before we fall into dreams. Those moments of pure solitude where all the walls of the day are pulled down and we stand before the quintessence of ourselves. We are tempted to listen to the dirge of our own thoughts—hurts that aren’t mending, phantoms of fear, nettling worries,  shadows of conversations long gone, wicked imps that whisper in our ears of what might have been, fatigued spirits who cannot even dream the name of what color shall burst upon the morning horizon.  And in this nosy mellay of the mind, I stop myself.

I thank God for such a time as this. Even though I don’t have understanding, I understand that all this is good for me. I’ve never been face-to-face with myself more powerfully than I am this year. I see who I am, what I love about me and what I need to change. As eager as I am to jump into my dream life, I realize more and more that I am simply not ready for the next step my life…yet. I can barely handle me!

Some days, it feels like I am drowning. I’ll never be able to have the faith to walk on the water. But then I remember God said that all things are possible through him. Someday I will be ready. Someday the loneliness will mend. Someday this will all make sense. But today, I love and trust God enough to realize he is working through all my tears and 

aches into lessons of the soul. Because he loves us too much to give us lesser things. We cannot doubt his love because we read of it on every page of his Word. So instead of feeling sadness because life is full of pain, I will change what I see. I will see a God who loves me infinitely. Who wants to take me to greener pasture. Who is helping me become all the beautiful things that I am to become.   

That is why I praise him in the storm. That beautiful, powerful, life changing storm. I praise him, because I know He loves me that much.

Misplaced Profundity!

I had a thought of the utmost profundity to share today. It fluttered in my mind lazily, like a butterfly, so I took it, stole it away safely in my pocket. Yet, somehow it fell out. It is not that I feel so deprived of this great thought, but I feel pathos and remorse...for I am sure that little, huge thought is laying abandoned on the sidewalk...or scattered upon the forgotten aprons at work. Maybe it is lost upon the pile of clean laundry I just threw upon my floor. I feel sadness for it. I hope it isn't too lonely. I suppose what is only proper for a decent and charitable lady like myself to do, is think very, very hard and produce a second deep, profound thought and then lose that one too. For reason followed through to conclusion will show us that the two lost thoughts of profundity will find each other and cease being lost! For they shall have each other! I shall now think up a deep thought.

Hm.

Oh, I did have great insight today. As I have problems with excessive reasoning, I have been in the habit of turning to God in times of great distress. I will pour over the scriptures, pray unceasingly, read every help book, ask everyone I know for advice, listen to Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns until my phone batterey dies--yet, I still did not feel closer to God all the time. I felt frustrated! Why couldn't I get over this excessive reasoning? I then realized today that I was just transferring my "reasoning, fixing, understanding" power over to try to be closer to God. I wasn't trying to fix my problems any more, but I was trying to become closer to God using all my human power. I think there is so much letting go and relying on God that I have yet to learn! It seems when I stop trying, that is when everything makes sense. When I forget about happiness that is when it comes to me. When I cease praying for faith and instead just have it, I then feel peace! 

I have so much to learn! God is truly patient with me! How blessed to be His.

<3

Happy Thoughts!

I am compelled to write again this morning, feeling my spirits significantly stirred out from the dark mess of the previous night, I would like to return to my original desire of spreading joy, not gloom. 

You can always find reasons to be joyful. But you must not be too severe upon yourself if you have a day where you just can't find the sun behind the clouds. We will all have days like that.

Yesterday was quite horrible. But I lived! I filed my taxes all by myself for the first time in my life! And I didn't get arrested by the IRS for doing it wrong. I made it through Black Tuesday at work (aka Chicken Nugget/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy day.) Do you know the strength it takes to serve 1422 students who all, simultaneously want the same thing? My workers and I were like the people of Rohan in Lord of the Rings, fighting against ten thousands of Orcs in the battle of Helm's Deep. But Black Tuesday is over! We all survived! We have met the enemy and were victorious!

You know, I believe there is something incredibly freeing when you realize that you don't have to figure everything out. You don't have to understand why God is working the way he is in your life. You don't have to understand what it all means. You don't have to manage every detail of your life!When something happens that makes us hurt or uncomfortable we automatically try to fix it, figure it out...but if God doesn't give us understanding, he is telling us that we must trust in him. 

We must have obedient faith in his plan for us. And above all we must remember the quiet, the simple, and the beautiful in life. When we give our love to others, we when are pure in heart, when we appreciate the little, natural blessings around us, that is when God brings us joy.
 

There is lots of stuff going on in my life right now that I don't understand. I have wasted nearly half of a year trying to figure it all out. Lately, I've been blind to the blessings in my life because I am focusing so greatly on what I don't know. But remember, God takes care of all the little birds. He provides for them. Won't he too provide for me? It is quite obvious that God doesn't want me to figure it all out right now! He wants me to simply trust. Shouldn't I start practicing what I preach? For those of us who are Christians, shouldn't we have joy? We call God our Father? Don't we trust him?

Today I am strengthened. Today I have hope. Today my heart isn't nearly as broken as it tragically was last night. It was all silly emotion. But today I have found my joy again...all from the hand of God who continually saves!